4.5/5*
Date written: April 2015
-I-
All in all, very satisfied.
I invited my college friends over to relax and have a chat
at my place a while ago. There were 5 of us in total. These were my better
friends from the college that I had attended a few months prior. I would’ve
invited more people, but frankly I’d always been very picky about who I spent
my time with.
We were talking about the things that most people in their
early 20s would talk about for a while. Sex, parties, college and work. Well, I was the
only one in the group that had a job. The rest was still attending college.
Nothing was much out of the ordinary until one of my friends brought up the
subject of the ‘exit bag’. Now, personally I had never even heard of the
phenomenon and I was quite surprised about how he got the idea to bring up the
subject. So what was this exit bag exactly?
Just imagine being stranded in a desert, in the scorching
heat, without food or water and no signs of civilization for hundreds of miles.
That’s when you need an exit bag. You know how they warn kids not to play with
plastic bags and tell them not to put them over their heads to avoid
suffocation, right? In this case it’s exactly the opposite. Personally I think
it’s a sick tool and it’s a disgusting way for a production company to make
money, but oh well.
This wasn’t quite the thing that sparked my interest though.
One of my friends took her phone out of her pocket and started searching for
some images of the exit bag. We ended up talking about some products that
Amazon had to offer. While she was looking for the pictures of the exit bag,
she stumbled upon the Amazon web store. Playfully, or jokingly, she told us
that someone wrote and sold a suicide self-help book. At first we all
thought that it was a book aimed to help people get rid of their suicidal tendencies,
which would be a good thing. But when she started reading through the content
summary, we quickly realized that it was quite the contrary.
Someone actually wrote a book to help people pick
the suicide method of their choice. What surprised me the most wasn’t that
though, truthfully. I mean, sick minds exist, there’s nothing that can be done
about that. But the fact that Amazon actually sold them was quite unsettling.
‘No reviews. Average rating: 4.3 out of 5 stars. Not bad,’ Melanie said to me as she turned off her phone.
‘Interesting subject… moving on,’ my other friend replied,
who never was too much into weird or controversial topics.
Interesting indeed, I thought to myself.
-II-
I woke up the morning after with a headache. I had one too
many drinks the evening my friends were at my place and I only slept a mere 5
hours. But, work was calling so I left home around 8. I couldn’t concentrate
much that morning. My head was killing me and I had an odd feeling pressuring
my chest.
It wasn’t pain, it was more like a gnawing feeling. It felt
like I was urged to do something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it
was exactly. It wasn’t until lunchtime that flashes of the conversation of the
previous night reappeared in my head.
Melanie messaged me on Facebook in the afternoon.
‘Good times yesterday,’ she wrote.
‘Haha, yeah. I got a bit of a headache. Can’t wait to get
off work,’ I replied.
‘Interesting conversations too.’
‘Yeah, what was that all about…’ I said to her.
I looked around to see if people were looking at my screen
or in my direction. I remembered after her message that we talked about
that strange suicide self-help book. Hesitantly I opened a new browser window
and turned on incognito mode. I looked away from my screen again and found that
all my colleagues were focused on their own work. After a few seconds I started
typing.
The urging pressure that I had felt all day decreased as I
typed in the Amazon web address. As the page loaded, I let my fingers glide
lightly over the laptop's keyboard. Right…
Suicide self-help
books
I noticed that the autofill function stopped working after
typing in half of the first search key word. I pressed enter and looked at
the product offer. There weren’t many results that precisely matched my search
criteria. In total there were 9 products, of which the first one was the book
that Melanie described the night before.
I felt nervous as I clicked the link to see the book in
detail. I gazed around nervously, afraid of what my colleagues would think of
me if they noticed what I was looking at. My heart started pounding faster
as I hovered my mouse over the image of the book cover to closer inspect it.
The cover didn’t hold much information. It was mostly dark grey, without a title
or the name of the author written on the cover.
From what I could gather from the image was that the book
was a hardcover without any images to decorate the outside of the book. I
selected a picture of the back of the book and it was empty. No picture of the
author, no information about the contents.
I looked at the general product information. The book
received an average rating of 4.3 out of 5, based on ratings of 247 buyers. It
cost €20. I wanted to check out the reviews for the book, but as I hovered my
mouse over the review section I got a pop up stating:
---There are no reviews
for this product yet. Be the first one to review this product by logging in or
signing up for an Amazon account.---
It didn’t strike me as strange before, or at least I didn’t
realize it, that a book that aims to help people in their suicide decisions received
so many positive ratings.
As I sat there for a short while, simply looking at the
page, I could feel my curiosity for the contents of the book increase with
every second. All of the sounds and visuals around me blurred out completely
during the time I was looking at the grey cover. I felt… mesmerized by it.
‘Sam! Your phone is ringing!’
I instinctively hit ALT-F4 to quit the browser as soon as my
colleague’s words got through to me.
‘Sorry, my bad,’ I replied to him.
‘Stop day dreaming, I don’t want to have to call you 5 times
every time your phone rings. Some of us actually do some work around here.’
-III-
What the hell was going on with me? I couldn’t get that book
out of my head. After I closed the Amazon website that day, the pressuring urge
returned. I began to realize what the urge was exactly. It was the urge to
revisit the page, to look at the book again. But why did I feel so attracted to it?
Perhaps it was because I couldn’t figure out how it got those ratings. It had
to be that. I convinced myself that was the reason I was so interested in it.
After a few days I opened my browser at home and went to
visit the book again. To my great surprise, the number of ratings went up by 7.
This gave me a slight feeling of discomfort, knowing that there might’ve been 7
people who decided to take their own lives. 7 within a few days only.
Still… How could this book be rated positively? If the help
that is offered in the book is successful, doesn’t that mean that there should
be no rating at all?
The average rating also went up by 0.1. As I was thinking
about this matter, the thought suddenly came to me that I hadn’t opened the website in incognito mode. I cursed to myself
and quickly closed the browser.
I didn’t visit Amazon for a few days after that. Yet my mind was
constantly with the book. At work I did a lot of research for my job, visiting a
lot of websites. After a while I had gotten accustomed to seeing advertisements
pass on the side or on the top of a website and I learned to ignore them, or at
least my conscious mind did. I’m pretty sure that the subconscious mind however
noticed all the ads that appeared and saved them somewhere in my head. Even the
Amazon ones. The Amazon ads that are personalized by the purchase history,
viewing history, cookies and other data that I agreed to let them place on
my computer.
I woke up one night after having a dream where my
subconscious had shown me the ads that passed by throughout the days. And I’ll be damned that the book showed up as well. I didn’t even visit
Amazon anymore, I tried to ignore the urge that was pressuring me and still the
book came back to me. How did I know it was true though? How did I know those
ads were actually placed on the websites and it wasn’t just my mind playing
tricks on me? I couldn’t know. But I didn’t care.
I jumped out of bed, turned on my laptop
and deleted all the browser files from my system. I logged out of my Amazon
account, downloaded an ad blocker and ran the system cleaner of my anti-virus
system. I must’ve seemed paranoid, but I didn’t want to see the book anymore. I
didn’t want to think about it anymore. I didn’t want to have anything to do
with it anymore.
Days went by and I felt more at ease mentally. The ad
blocker was running smoothly, my computer was clean and I didn’t see anything
of the book anymore. I tried to forget about it as well, but unfortunately, the
pressure remained.
-IV-
Two weeks went by in total and I forgot about the book
little by little. The pressure on my chest got less strong and I was able to
concentrate better on my work and on my life. Until I got the e-mail.
It was near the end of my work day when I noticed that I had
an unread e-mail in my private inbox. As I read the subject line of the e-mail,
I felt a familiar strange vibe going through my body. That dreaded urge lived
up again. I opened the e-mail and read through it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sam,
You added 1 product to
your shopping cart 2 weeks ago, but haven’t proceeded to the checkout yet.
Having trouble making a decision on whether or not to purchase your added
product? Allow us to provide you with a 20% immediate discount on your purchase
and free shipping! We look forward to welcoming you to the Amazon store again.
We hope you enjoy your day and see you soon!
Kind regards,
The Amazon.com team
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How was that possible? I didn’t recall adding anything to my
cart. I opened my account and looked at my shopping cart. I couldn’t believe my
eyes. How did the fucking book end up there? It couldn’t have been me who added
it? Surely I would’ve remembered it… I covered my mouth and looked around the
work space. Confused, I got up from my seat and left the office early. As I drove home,
the pressuring feeling increased.
When I arrived home I put my laptop on the table in front of
me. The urge rushing through my heart, I turned on the laptop and stared at the
screen for a moment. The only thought in my head was: I need to buy it. I felt
it was the only way to get rid of the burning urge. It had been eating me for long
enough. Label me paranoid, label me crazy, but the only way to find out
what it was about this book that got stuck in my head was to buy it, read it
and throw it out right after.
Average rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 298 ratings. Still no
reviews.
The pressure on my chest was heavier than ever before and
the palms of my hands were sweaty as I walked myself through the checkout
menus. I would occasionally place my forehead on my fingertips and try to convince
myself that I didn’t need the book. But it felt like parts inside of me were
fighting and I had no control over what I was going to do. As my finger made the
final click, the book was ordered and would arrive on my doorstep within 2 – 3
business days.
It was a mere 2 days later that the doorbell rang in the
evening. My heartrate increased as I realized that the book had arrived.
Perfectly within the estimated delivery time. I walked to the front door and
put my hand on the handle. I looked through the peephole, looking for someone holding a package, but there was nobody there. While I kept looking
through the peephole, I flicked on the light on the front porch of my small house.
But the porch was empty.
There was no sign of anything that had to do with a
delivery. No van, no delivery person, just an empty street. I didn’t open the
door. It might have just been the kids from the neighborhood who were up to
some mischief. I walked away from the door and looked through my windows to see
if there was anyone hiding next to the door. But no, everything was okay. It
wasn’t until a few moments later that I realized that it couldn’t have been the
delivery, it was impossible at this hour. I looked at my watch and noticed that
it was close to 9 in the evening.
I felt disappointment. I shouldn’t have felt disappointment.
I didn’t have a need for the book, it’s not like I ordered something I truly wanted.
I convinced myself that the feelings I had were just because I had to wait
longer to get rid of the book and the influence it had on me. Reluctantly I
moved away from the window and went to lay in my bed. I put my laptop on my
nightstand and watched some videos before going to sleep early.
-V-
I woke up in the morning to the sound of my laptop’s vent
blowing. I slowly opened my eyes and gazed at the green light on the laptop
that was illuminating a very small part of the room. I must’ve fallen asleep browsing
the internet. I moved my hand over the touchpad to get the laptop
out of energy saving mode and while covering my eyes I let them slowly adapt to
the wall of light that the screen started to emit.
It took a few seconds for my view to become less blurry and
I could see a familiar webpage opened. I couldn’t wrap my head around how it
appeared on my screen, but the only explanation I could find was that somehow I
opened it last night because I wanted to look at the book. The moment the
feeling of disbelief faded away, the feeling of a certain attraction lived up. There was no
fear, not even discomfort. The urge in my chest was gone and I felt some sort
of enjoyment watching the empty cover.
The mysterious object. I got out of bed without closing the
website and instinctively walked to the front door. I looked through the
peephole without knowing exactly who or what I was looking for. After a few
seconds I opened the door and walked out. As I was looking into the distance I
didn’t realize that there was something placed on my doorstep and I tripped
over it, face first on the wooden porch.
I turned over and sat down on my knees to check out what it
was I tripped over. The
Amazon logo that was placed on the package by sticker was reflecting the light of the
morning sun. I quickly pulled the box towards me and started unpacking it, impatiently
like a young kid who had just received his first Christmas gift. As I removed
the packaging material from around the book and held the product in my hands,
the mesmerizing feelings I had felt before returned, but even stronger. I
looked at the grey cover and I could’ve sworn that the colors started changing.
Slightly, but noticeable. I touched the cover with my fingertips, turned it
around several times and quickly flipped through the pages.
I don’t know at what time I got out of bed, or how long
I sat there, simply looking at my purchase, admiring it, but after a while I went
back inside the house and put the book on the table. I was late for work already. I
wasn’t worried. Every once in a while employees at my company ran late without
consequences.
I left the house again and jumped into my car. As I sat
behind the wheel, I gazed at my front door for a short while. I felt quite good. Better than I had felt in
weeks. My chest stopped aching and I felt what I could only describe as a
feeling of euphoria. When I arrived at work, my boss asked me why I was late. I
gave him a simple excuse explaining that I had an alarm clock malfunction. He
actually laughed about the way I put it and just like I expected he wasn’t
pissed off at me.
Melanie called me later that same day. She was worried about
me. She told me that I hadn’t replied to her messages on Facebook in quite a
while and wasn’t picking up my phone until that moment. I didn’t know what to
say to her. I would’ve wanted to tell her that I did in fact read and had
replied to her messages, but the truth was that I couldn’t remember much from
the past weeks. I couldn’t recall doing or not doing it.
As hard as I tried to remember what I had done those past
few weeks, I couldn’t. All I could remember were the things that had to do with
the book. I told Melanie that I wanted to see her and talk about what I had
done in the time we didn’t speak. I apologized to her and we agreed to meet
that same evening. I figured that was the best way to deal with the situation.
I could blow off some steam by talking about everything that had been going on
and show her the book. Perhaps she would like it as well.
-VI-
‘So talk to me please, because I’m worried about you,’ Melanie
said as she sat down on the couch.
‘Hm well, there’s nothing to be worried about, really. I’ve
just been really busy.’
‘With work?’
‘Nah, not really. Just some other stuff.’
‘Like what?’ she asked.
‘I’ll show it to you. Do you remember that night you and the
others were at my place? I think it was like 3 weeks ago or something.’
‘Yeah?’
‘You searched for this stuff on Amazon, remember? Well look
what I got!’
I pointed to the book that laid on the table in front of the
couch where she was sitting. Her eyes moved to the grey object and she took it
into her hands.
‘What is this?’ she asked as she tried to find out the title
of the book on its cover.
‘You don’t remember? It’s the book we found. I bought it. I
haven’t read it yet, but I wanted to show it to you. I've wanted to buy it for a
long time now and…’
She cut me off in the middle of my sentence.
‘I’m sorry, but what? You bought that weird suicide book?’
she started flipping through the pages.
‘Why would you buy a sick thing like this? she continued as
she looked upon me.
‘Don’t judge the book by its cover, Melanie. Really, I think
it’ll be a really good read. I haven’t read it yet, but there’s something about
it. I’m really curious about it,’ I replied to her as I was walking around the
room enthusiastically.
She didn’t say anything for a short while, she simply stared
at the book.
‘Melanie?’
‘Seriously though, why would you buy this? You don’t need
this shit.’
‘That’s what I thought at first too, but there was something
about it that made me buy it. It has a certain attraction to me. You don’t
think it’s cool? I was hoping you’d want to read it too.’
‘Are you like… playing a joke on me?’
‘No, I’m not, seriously. I was going to read it tonight and
when I finished it you could’ve borrowed it if you wanted to so you could read
it too! You don’t think that it’s a good idea?’
‘No… No, Sam. I don’t think that it’s a good idea and I don’t
want to read it. And you shouldn’t either. What is this bullshit about this
thing having an attraction towards you? You’re not sounding like yourself.’
I stopped walking around and looked into her eyes.
‘You’re not feeling the attraction? Just look at the book.
Look at it and tell me what you feel. No wait, I’ll go first,’ I said as I sat
down next to her and took the book from her hands. I stared at it for a moment,
then closed my eyes and felt the pages.
‘Hmm…’
‘Sam, you’re scaring me. You’re not behaving like yourself…’
I reopened my eyes and looked at her, irritated.
‘I’m the same person I was a few weeks ago. Maybe it’s you
who’s not behaving like yourself.’
She got off the couch and grabbed the book from my hands. I
got up as well and stood in front of her.
‘I don’t know what this shit is doing to you, but it’s a
sick book and as your friend, I’m not going to let you read it. Who knows what
you’ll do to yourself.’
Confused as to why she was behaving this way, I tried to
grab the book from her hands.
‘Give it back to me. You can’t keep me from reading it. It’s
none of your business.’
She tried to keep the book away from me.
‘If you want to be like this and not read the book, that’s
your problem then, but you’re not going to determine whether or not I read it,’
I said to her, angry at that point.
‘I’m leaving now, Sam.’
‘Fine! Leave then. But you’re not leaving with the book,’ I
said and I managed to grab it from her hands. I let my gaze slide towards the
cover.
‘Now get the fuck out of my house.’
I saw her eyes tearing up as she grabbed her coat and
walked towards the door. Before she closed the door, she looked at me and
wanted to say something, but it looked like she couldn’t find many words.
Through her tears she managed to bring out a few final words:
‘Please don’t do anything stupid…’ she uttered before she slammed the door shut.
I stood still for a few moments, staring at the door.
‘You know what? Good riddance. At least I can read in peace
now,’ I said to myself.
I sat down on the couch and opened the book. I took some
time to read through the index to see what kind of help the book would be
offering. The Japanese method… The Mexican method… Methods from ancient times…
This should be good.
The anger I felt before disappeared and enthusiasm took over
as soon as I flipped to the first page of the first chapter. Never before had I
been looking forward to reading a book, but this one was different. Eagerly I
read page after page, as quick as I could, storing all the information it
offered in my head. I lost all indication of time and place as I let the pages
take over my mind and body.
-VII-
I finished the book within a day.
But I’m not going to spoil anything about its contents. I think that the experience will be different for every person who reads it. Because of the large variety within the pages, there will be something for everyone. I will say however, that "Chapter 27: Slow acting poisons" was a real eye-opener for me.
I feel it’s quite an honor to be the first person to review the book. I had a very special experience with it. As you could've read, at first I was quite skeptical about it. Yet at the same time I felt some sort of attraction to it. I thought that I didn’t even need the book, but I ended up buying it anyway. I read it and I have to say that honestly, I found it very convincing, certain parts more than others.
I feel it’s quite an honor to be the first person to review the book. I had a very special experience with it. As you could've read, at first I was quite skeptical about it. Yet at the same time I felt some sort of attraction to it. I thought that I didn’t even need the book, but I ended up buying it anyway. I read it and I have to say that honestly, I found it very convincing, certain parts more than others.
Don’t judge this book by its cover, is one of the things I
want to point out most of all. That’s what I said to my friend Melanie as well
(that’s not her real name, I changed it for privacy concerns). Unfortunately
she didn’t find it as interesting as I did. Perhaps she’ll change her mind
later when she sees the effects it had on me.
I guess I can kind of understand why there weren’t any
reviews for this product yet. I probably wouldn’t have had any time to write a
review either if I chose differently.
Hopefully my story of the last few weeks will provide a good idea of what you can expect to get when ordering the book. You might think that you don't need it, but don't let that idea keep you from buying it and reading it anyway. It can really change your life.
To make a long story short, because I don't have too much time left, I’d just like to say:
A very good product. Would recommend. 4.5 out of 5 stars. All in all, very satisfied.
A very good product. Would recommend. 4.5 out of 5 stars. All in all, very satisfied.
Pros: Good content, good value for money, life changer
Cons: No author listed
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